It's hard to make sense of things, when someone you love is there one day, and gone the next.
You walked into French class not so long ago, looking very, very fine and taking quite afew of our breaths away. I assumed straight away that you were going to be an arrogant jock, too good-looking for his own good, but you ended up being all of the opposite. There are so few guys who have been quite so considerate, charming and caring as you have been, yet many have on first glance misunderstood you for someone quite different. We've had some good times together, you and I. You were such an intelligent boy, and we always had great conversations. You always made me laugh, it was very easy to make me smile. Yet somehow, there was always a part of you that remained sad, that kept you in the dark, and from time to time it took you away from us. It wasn't always easy to understand, but you always came back. Going away for good was never part of the bargain.
I am in Paris now, and just this morning, I was thinking of you and how much you loved this city. It's so beauiful, and I can finally understand why you had so much affection for this place, why it was here that you felt free and happy. Yet now, for me, Paris will also always be the place where you broke my heart. Hours later, I'm still reeling from that call, the pieces have yet to glue themselves together, my eyes have yet to dry. Too many things today have served as a constant reminder of the fact that you are no longer here. From that wine and cheese basket that looked so much like the one you and Eva made for my birthday, to the little stuffed crocodile a kid was carrying in her pram, which reminded me of the 'hall-warming' present that I bought for you. Not to mention the very face that it was you who sat down with me and helped me plan my french adventure.
It is so hard to come to terms with this, and cliched as it is, there is nothing I wouldn't give to wake up tomorrow and find that this has all been a bad dream, and that you are live and well, and that I will see you when I return. You sounded happier, more hopeful in the last message you sent me. I wish you had held on, Eli. There is a sense of helplessness, being so far away from our friends at a time like this. I want that one last chance to see you, to laugh with you, to tell you that I'm here for you, whatever comes your way. I am sorry that there were times where I was afraid of your darkness, and stayed away because I didn't know what else I could do to help. I wish I could have been stronger for you. There is nothing I can do but feel the pain of your loss, cling on to the memories we've had together, and pray that wherever you are, you are happy and that you have been released from the chains that held you down in this life.
I wish you had taken a leap of faith instead of that jump to your death.
I hope that wherever you are, you find peace, and are released from the chains that kept you struggling for air in this life.
Rest in peace, Elisha Chng. You will be missed so much.
Till we meet again.
Till we meet again.
